To be?

One look and I melt into
your arms, that enclose me
in a warm comfort
Sweet whispers against my
neck fill me with shutters of excitment
Your breathe upon my cheek
gently carresses me into
A touch of your fingers brings
my sences rising high and
leave me breathless
Your kiss lingers upon my
lips, your touch I feel even
when your not there
But words confuse me with
the unsureness of yourfaith in what should be
Your actions push and pull
at my heart leaving me
not knowing
An emotional turmoil I have
found inside the unknowing
of how we should be
Answers to the questions thatleave me baffled by the
way you know not how
to show me that this is how
we are to be


Ggrrrr moments

So I’m struggling to define what it is I want where it is that I want to be in a relationship so many qualities that I want and desire and need in a man who I would like to have in my life so many complex so many unanswered qualities that come into play when you think about what you want in your life.Someone who is excepting regardless of what life situation is especially when you have to deal with exes child support court and other life dramas when you have kids I mean you are constantly in and out of their lives whether they’re adults or still children and for me that’s important to have someone to have that connection with my kidsAnd then there is the relationship with me I’m not complicated but I mean there are things that I desire and that I need to have in a relationship I don’t want to take care of somebody who is needy or demanding I want to have a relationship that is understanding caring open always communication it’s a two-way street it’s not easy when you have been single for so long andyou have somebody coming to your life and having to take care of them I have taken care of a lot of people in my life and for me at this age I am ready for somebody to take care of me. I’m ready to settle down I’m ready to take somebody and my life all time … just needs to be the right person we don’t fall in love by choice we fall in love by chance we give our hearts really sometimes to the right person and sometimes we give it to the wrong person and we end up hurt but then love should not be closed you should always have room to expand and I’m always willing to expand. Commitment seems to be the issue for the men .. never enough to just have one woman or to not be undeciding or want to keep options open. What is it that they get so bored with??? Lack of sex hmmmmm I think not lack of attention mmm nope maybe it’s because they just cannt be satisfied??? What is it that men want? I can say for whenever I ask the answers the same “I don’t know” gggrrrrrrrrrr is my answer . 

Life or something like it

So what do we do about life and our past mistakes? Do we move on past this? Do we sit and worry about what happened in the past and take it with us into the future? I know in my life I’ve made a lot of mistakes cross the wrong road burnt the wrong bridges but I’ve done a lot of good more than I’ve done bad so does this entitle me to continue on worrying about what happened in the past? What does this tell us about our past relationships how can we move on from the bad relationships into the good ones? And what do we do with those who do come into our lives and they still burn those bridges they make us doubt our own confidence to move forward and to learn how to mend our broken relationships or to move past them. There comes a point in our lives when we want to forgive all those who Hurt us but yet some piece of what they have done still stays with us and in the back of our minds can we really move forward into the relationship that we want without having those issues brought forward it is possible to leave some of it behind but there’s always going to be that small window of doubt that what if. You can read all the self-help books you can read all the psychological quizzes all the expert on relationships but what it comes down to is your self is knowing yourself and knowing where you want to be and who you want to be with and howyou want that relationship to play out.

Recently in my life I stop dating about four years ago and kind of saw a friend or two you know in between but nothing that was solid nothing that was concrete nothing that was relationship worthy. And then I had a change in life I knew move new direction and I opened up the possibility of dating, the last couple months I started dating somebody and at first it was just a whirlwind of sex and talking and nothing that was supposed to be real or solid it was in fact just that just dating and then sometime during that time the feelings between the both of us grew stronger and our attentions in our affections turn from One Direction to another with great compilation because neither of us was really looking for what each was willing to put out there. And over time the relation ship became more complicated there was talk there was communication and there was understanding there was a misunderstanding but one side sitting on the fence really didn’t help The decision whether to move on or whether to continue. So in a flurry of communication and talking and opening up we decided that we would see each other was it exclusive yes! was one still open to the possibility of finding someone that was more of a match yes! Did that bother me yes exclamation exclamation deny voice these concerns absolutely was I mad with any kind of soothing? Either way I was and Innoway I wasn’t in the back of my mind I could still feel the fact that yes he wanted to be with me yes he wanted to spend time with me yes there was a lot of traction yes there was a connection but he was still open to meeting somebody who matched what he really wanted from other or a long-term commit so he tells me that after 2 mths that may we should just be friends PPPFFTTTTTT .MY asnwer is goodbye i already know i am hurt by the rejection after 2 mths of dating….So now I am back to the single life ….what a joke dating is so many issues and fence sitting. My lesson here is not to invest myself at all to anyone until they prove their value to me

It happens to me all the time. ..this

“She wasn’t kind of lady that depended on a man and I think that’s what made her so irresistible to them, any man she had loved she wanted ~ and the men that loved her back couldn’t handle not being needed, so she showed them the door and grew her own wings as they walked out. Love to her isn’t a maybe thing, nor is it attachment and any man whom thinks he will ever own her would be best not to try at all.”
~Nikki Rowe

What Is It???

So really what is a relationship about? what defines what a relationship is? where does one start on beginning to understand what relationships are? how do we define them ?how do we set the standard for whatever a relationship should be or how it should start or how it should end why is it that it’s such a complicated thing the words that we use when we talk to each other are so misunderstood and misconstrued and often not understood where is the book that shows us how one survives a relationship?What is it about a relationship that makes it so complex and drives us crazy and makes us think that there’s not ever going to be that one person out there for us and yet when we do find a person it seems to be the wrong person and often it is the right person just the wrong time wrong place we carry those emotions and those feelings and then we threw them away like a crumpled piece of paper and then once it’s gone tossed in the trash where nobody can find it that much then we doubt ourselves we doubt our confidence we doubt our ability to care to be compassionate to be our own person and then we fail to see what’s really out there anymore…..and where do we end our past relationships and the connections that we have with them is there such a thing as truly just being friends with your exes or do we just stay out of obligation a sense of we know what’s there so why change it even if it doesn’t make us happy how do we move on from that what is truly stopping us from achieving our own happiness by moving forward words for thought some people have that happiness and that happy ever after they found that one person that truly fits I wish I could find that I wish I could give all my love so freely without worry with out holding back without building walls without doubt without worries without second-guessing it happens when your relationships have damaged you to the point where you just don’t know where you want anything to go anymore but still you try even though you fall you get hurt you feel like you’ve been crushed misunderstood unloved unwanted and undesirable and you still believe in relationships but at some point there has to be a change not just one person has to change both have to change and it doesn’t have to be huge changes just little ones little ones to make it so that you both can live comfortably with those changes change is scary change is frightening intimidating but yet in order to keep that relationship going it has to be done there’s no real rules to relationships but there is understanding and at the end of it all it all comes down to what fits in your life 

It fell into me

I always knew that love would come find me somedaybut never did I know that it would be you who was headed my way

you caught me off guard and took me by surprise

but you simply captivated me, the same way you do when I look into your eyes
It’s true that every good and perfect gift is from somewhere

you were presented to me as a beautifully packaged gift full of humor, talent, intelligence, beauty and love

“it isn’t finding the perfect person but learning to see an imperfect person perfectly”

we all have our flaws but when I view you through my eyes, perfection is all I see
From when you laugh to when you’re upset, I still love the little things you do

especially hearing you laugh and seeing your nose wrinkle the same way mine does too

coming into this relationship has been hard at times but we’ve made it here now 

I know as long as we’re on this journey together, there’s nothing that we can’t do.
Sometimes I wonder if what we have is too good to be true

too scared to get my heart broken and scared of the thought of losing you

but in the end, I trust in the author and perfecter of what I believe

because what we ask for in our selfs, we in return shall receive
“Where your treasure is, your heart will be also” is how the saying goes

I may not know what tomorrow may bring, 

the one thing I do know is that you are my one and only

a treasure in my heart that I want to devote my whole life to completely
I know I don’t need to prove my feelings to know they’re true

because what I’ve known in my past, doesn’t come close to the experience I’ve shared with you

I’ve had the experience of being in relationships before

however, this is the first time I’ve been truly happy… I couldn’t ask for anything more

it’s an honor to know that I am yours, as you are mine
For now, I’ll be waiting patiently for that day when we’ll decide

that precious moment in time when I’ll say, “it’s you that I want to be with forever”

Time made everything beautiful, precious and new

just as beautiful and precious as the day will be, when I look into your eyes and say, “I Love You”

Relationships and you

Being a great partner isn’t measured by how much you do. It isn’t about how much you give of yourself; day in and day out. You’re not going to be more fun to be around by giving every ounce of your energy to another while ignoring your own needs. Being a great partner requires a high degree of self-care.

To be a great partner to another, you’ll be asked to redirect your energy inwards. At times, they will trigger and annoy you. In those moments you’ll be challenged to look in the mirror before pointing out their faults. You will be called to look at what you’re doing rather than what they aren’t.

Whenever we focus too much on the other, we’re avoiding ourselves. We’re angry, in part because we’re not taking care of ourselves. Pent up frustration and resentment spills over in the worst possible time because we’ve been giving and giving, all the while; neglecting our own needs.

What could possibly be behind the over-doing it in the first place? Many of us carry around a belief that we have to do, to be loved. That we’re not enough all on our own, so we over compensate even though it makes us worse, not better.

The relationships that last the longest consist of two people with their own aspirations and dreams in life. There’s the you, the me, and the we. It’s interdependence not co-dependence. They’re the ones based on trust, ownership of the shadow, acknowledgment of the inner-child.

Being a great partner means being a whole person. No one is winning medals for sacrificing their own needs to make someone else happy. And frankly, if that’s what it takes to make the relationship work, it’s not really working yet. Something will have to change.

We think there’s something wrong with our partner when often, we’re just paying them too much attention. Take that energy and bring it back to you. When you find yourself picking a metaphorical scab i.e. finding all their flaws, just pause. Take that awareness and shine it back on yourself. What do you need to do to love yourself? This is less about what they are doing, and more about what you’re not doing for yourself.

Run yourself a bath, read a book, get some work done, go take a yoga class, do something that inspires you. Do you. That’s what being a great partner looks like.

Relationships are meant to enrich our lives. They are meant to make us better people, to provide a safe and grounding place at the end of the day. To give us a little more fire while we’re out in the world chasing our dreams. If your relationship is draining your batteries, it’s probably because you’re letting the relationship consume you, rather than fuel you.

One of the greatest challenges life has to offer us is relationship. It means we’re willing to do the work to see past the stories all the way into the other person. And through that lens, we will see more of ourselves.

Love? Moving on…..

Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate.” ~ Carrie BradshawPerhaps we need to be broken first before we can finally become whole.Painful love is the worst kind of heartbreak. It’s the one we had such high hopes for, the one we gambled everything for—only to find it was a bet that would never be won.So we break into a million small pieces of ourselves and wonder how we could have gotten it so wrong.We make mistakes in love.We choose people based on the lessons that our souls need to learn without realizing that it’s usually those difficult lessons we need to experience the most.We can’t be changed by ease and we can’t have our minds broken open by the mundane—instead it can only happen when we are left with nothing but ourselves and our regrets.Maybe there is no such thing as a mistake if we indeed needed it to learn more about who we are and how we love, but still there are those loves we wish we could rewind and just take back. The ones whose endings were too painful for us to want to permanently claim as part of our history.But no matter how much we wished that this love was something other than what it was, it will never change the reality that the only reason we needed this love in our lives was to break our hearts.The thing is, we need that big mistake to help propel us toward the love of our life.We need to be broken in order to find out how we want to put ourselves back together.Often times the biggest mistake of our lives is a relationship that we should have walked away from the minute it began—or at the very least should have let go of long before we actually did, and way before it all went downhill.But we didn’t, and it’s not because that love was meant to be, but because without it we might never have realized what love truly is.We always have the choice to stay in a relationship that is a constant battle of wills and ideals. Yet, no matter how many times we hope it will end differently, or just maybe work this time around—it never does.This is because it’s not meant to.Our mistake is meant to end, usually bitterly, and often catastrophically. Its purpose is to rock us to our core and challenge our very self and our beliefs about love.We are meant to question what went wrong, and to wonder what love really means to us. This isn’t an overnight process , but one that we need to take the time to immerse ourselves in until we no longer hide from the truth that our hearts whisper.It’s a state of healing that lets us know that we can send someone our love, but we can also walk away with our heads high and our faith strong knowing that we haven’t messed up the best thing we ever had.Because the love of our life is out there waiting for us and when we meet there will be no question about why we needed to have our hearts broken in the way we did.There won’t be battles to conquer, or qualities to be changed. There won’t be unfulfilled needs, or drama around every corner. In reality, this love is going to show us why none of our previous relationships worked out.Because all along they were only leading us to this—the person who was created just for us, and somehow through the meandering paths that life takes, ended up not being perfect, but still being perfect for us.Our worst mistake and our deepest heartbreak is only meant to help lead us to the love of our life—because without it, we might never know what that actually looks like.The love of our life only comes when we are ready for it. When we have broken apart who we thought we should be and instead embraced who we are. This love only appears when we have gained the ability to believe that we deserve what we want.The love of our life won’t look or feel like anything we’ve ever experienced. It might come softly, or it might even enter as a wrecking ball. It may come dressed as friendship, or perhaps something so hot we thought for sure we would get burned. But, because of that great mistake we are not the same people we once were, so we will approach love differently as well.We will look for the peace instead of the intensity of the storm.We will allow ourselves to gaze past the superficial and instead appreciate the energy that this person brings into our lives, reveling in the new-found depths of connection that we are experiencing.Slowly we will realize that it’s not necessarily who someone is, but rather what type of person they bring out in us that determines whether it’s a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love.With time, an understanding develops that love should not only feel like it adds value to our lives, but it should also help us become the best possible version of ourselves.Only a great love can raise us to greatness.And that’s the thing about the love of our life—it may not end up being who we thought it was, and it may still not come without challenges, but there is just something about it that makes us want to be better.It’s a love that inspires us, and shows us that perhaps we aren’t scared at all, and that just maybe we haven’t screwed up as badly as we thought we had.Because finally we realize that our “great mistake” was really a north star all along, leading us to the love of our life.“Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us.” ~